Your Avoidant Ex: The Great Escape (spoiler; you can’t outrun yourself.) 😆

Imagine the quiet little tragedy playing out in your ex’s life right now. They walked away from the partner who actually saw them—you—and chose instead the safety of someone they don’t have to be real for. No depth. No closeness. No emotional risk.

And now? Oh dear. It’s loveless. Flat. Predictable. And they’re secretly wondering why it feels so empty.

Here’s the part that stings (and also frees you): this was never about your worth. It was about their fear.

When Love Feels Like a Threat

For the dismissive avoidant, real intimacy doesn’t feel like home—it feels like exposure. Being truly known threatens their carefully constructed self-image. So when genuine love shows up, alarm bells go off.

Danger! Someone might see me. Someone might need me. Someone might discover I’m not enough!!

So they run. From you. From depth. From anything that requires emotional presence.

But because they also fear abandonment, they don’t always run cleanly. Instead, they breadcrumb. A text here. A moment of “maybe.” A brief return that reopens the wound—only for them to disappear again. Not because they’re cruel (though it FEELS BLOODY cruel), but because they’re terrified of both closeness and loss.

The Safer Substitute

Eventually, they “choose” a partner who demands very little emotionally. Another avoidant. Or a doormat. Someone who won’t ask questions like:

• “How do you feel?”

• “Can we talk about this?”

• “Can you show up?”

Someone who doesn’t hold them close, who doesn’t stroke the corner of their eye tenderly, someone who basically accepts nothing in a romantic relationship and calls it love. 🤦‍♂️

This relationship feels manageable to your ex. no depth, no danger. And then comes the performance: the avoidant convincing themselves—and everyone else—that this is exactly the life they want 😂.

“Oooh let’s get married for tax reasons” they think. “Oooh if I have a baby how wonderful everyone will think my sham of a life is.”

Everyone swallows it. Their partner, their family, their friends who coo and gush and buy their presents and hats.🎩

Yes everyone swallows the lie.

EXCEPT YOU.

Oh and them…

Yes, your avoidant ex knows the truth but they’re simply far too wounded and scared to do anything about it. 🤦‍♂️

The Core Wound: Shame

Underneath all of it sits the real driver: core shame.

Avoidants often carry a deep, unspoken belief that if they are truly known, they will be rejected. That something about them is fundamentally lacking. Shame tells them:

• “My needs are a problem.”

• “Depending on others is weak.”

• “If I get close, I’ll be exposed.”

So they detach. Minimise. Dismiss. Not because they don’t feel—but because feeling threatens to crack the armour they’ve been wearing since childhood. What the hell happened to them, you begin to wonder… (before you detach and let go that is.)

But here’s the saddest part: they don’t fully see the hurt they cause. And on some level, they don’t want to. Seeing it would require self-reflection—and that leads straight back to shame.

The Part Where You Get Free

None of this is your burden anymore. You don’t need to analyse, fix, wait, or understand them better. You already did the brave thing: you showed up emotionally.

Let them continue making decisions based on avoidance and self-protection. Let them curate a life that looks calm but feels hollow. You don’t need front-row seats to that show.

Because in the end, the avoidant always loses—not in some dramatic way, but quietly. You can run like mad, avoidant ex, but you can never outrun yourself.

You, on the other hand?

You get to move forward. Towards depth. Towards reciprocity. Towards love that doesn’t require shrinking.

And for them?

Well… time for therapy 😆😆.

It’s WELL overdue!!

TR