Why the Dismissive Avoidant Doesn’t Reflect, Change, or Apologise After Pulling Away.

If you’ve ever been close to someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, you might be left wondering:

• Why did they never apologise?

• Why don’t they seem to care or change?

• How can someone walk away so easily and never look back?

It’s not because they’re evil, heartless, or incapable of feeling pain, but because their entire coping mechanism is built on emotional disconnection.

Here’s why they typically don’t self-reflect or reach out:

1. Emotional distance feels safe to them

Dismissive avoidants often learned early on—usually during childhood—that vulnerability wasn’t safe or rewarded. Their emotions may have been dismissed, punished, or ignored. So, they adapted by shutting themselves off from feelings—not just from others, but from themselves too. Self-reflection would mean confronting emotions they’ve spent years avoiding.

2. They believe they’re absolutely “fine”

A core belief for dismissive avoidants is that they’re self-sufficient. They often convince themselves they didn’t really need the relationship, or that it wasn’t that serious, or simply “bad timing” 🙄.

This narrative helps numb feelings of guilt or regret—but it also stops them from growing. They don’t reflect because they don’t see a problem with their behaviour. To them, detaching is a sign of strength and control.

3. Taking responsibility feels like a threat

To change or apologise, someone has to admit they caused harm. For a dismissive avoidant, that’s deeply uncomfortable. Deep down, they often carry a sense of shame—buried beneath layers of emotional armour. Owning up to their part might unlock long-suppressed feelings: guilt, inadequacy, or fear of being unlovable.

4. They minimise the emotional impact—on both you and themselves

Avoidants tend to rationalise emotions. They might tell themselves you’re overreacting, or that relationships are just “too much hassle.” This lets them sidestep the emotional consequences of their actions—but it also blinds them to how hurtful their silence or withdrawal really was.

5. They expect you to move on—just like they do

Because they suppress their own pain, they often assume others can (or should) do the same. If they ghosted you or left without explanation, they might assume you’ve already moved on—or that contacting you would only “stir things up.” In their mind, staying silent may even feel like the respectful thing to do. Duh 🙄.

The truth?

Their silence isn’t proof that you didn’t matter. It’s proof that they never learned how to cope with emotional closeness—either with others or within themselves.

You didn’t get closure because they don’t know how to offer it.

You didn’t get an apology because they’ve never learned to sit with guilt without shutting down.

You didn’t get change because, from their perspective, nothing needs to change.

That doesn’t excuse their behaviour.

But it does help explain why it all felt so one-sided—and why waiting for insight or growth from them often leads to more hurt.

If you’re trying to heal after an experience with a dismissive avoidant, the most powerful step you can take is to return to yourself.

Their lack of accountability does not define your worth.

Let their silence speak—not about your value, but about their limitations.

Healing begins the moment we stop waiting for someone else to say sorry—and choose, instead, to give ourselves the closure they never could.

And don’t worry - they’ll either have met someone as avoidant as they are and years later wonder why they’re bored out of their brains OR they’ll end up with someone who doesn’t challenge them and live a staid life as roommates with zero emotional connection.

You deserve so much better!

TR