Avoidant Ex: They Fear Both Intimacy and Abandonment

Imagine, just for a minute, what it's like to be an avoidant.

They're terrified of intimacy so they can't come close in a relationship but they also have a fear of abandonment so they can't be alone. Imagine what a headfuck that is for them!

Then imagine the string of broken hearts they've left in their wake... They've ruthlessly discarded anyone who's dared to ask for emotional closeness because they're terrified of intimacy.

You see, they can’t stay with the person who showed them real love and emotional closeness…but they also can’t be alone.

So they rebound. Quickly.

Not because they’ve healed — but because they choose a partner they don’t have to be real with. Someone who doesn’t dare to ask for vulnerability, depth, or emotional presence.

Someone who allows them to bypass self-reflection.

Because sitting in the flames? Feeling the grief, the shame, the remorse. Quietly processing, healing, and working through their wounds with a therapist?

That would require looking at themselves — and for a dismissive avoidant, that level of self-reflection is deeply uncomfortable.

But you did something different.

You sat with the pain. You didn’t numb it with another body. You didn’t use someone else to get over the last person.

You observed their behaviour. You understood their wounds. And then — bravely — you turned inward and looked at your own.

You faced your fear of abandonment instead of running from it.

You sat in the silence. You healed.

And this is the key: you began filling your life with things that align with who you truly are. You studied yourself. You chose what was right for you — regardless of anyone else. You learned how to nourish your own soul.

And slowly, you became whole.

Whole enough that you no longer feel loss as abandonment. Whole enough that love becomes a desire — not a need.

That’s when you know you’re ready for the right person.

Because you no longer chase love. You see red flags clearly. You no longer tolerate people who run from connection or only dip their toe into the emotional depth a real relationship requires.

You want romantic love — but you don’t need it.

And believe me, once you’ve done the work, alignment happens naturally.

The unhealed have their own journey. They’re no longer interesting to you.

They don’t leave with malice. They don’t leave with pity.

They simply fall quietly out of your heart —making space for the right people to enter.

Healed people. People who deserve the love you have to give.

TR