Your Avoidant Ex: Why It's So Hard to Get Over Them

If you’re struggling to get over your ex, you’re not weak. You’re not broken. And you’re definitely not imagining how brutal it feels.

They didn’t give you closure. They didn’t explain. They didn’t apologise. They didn’t let you ask questions.

They just freaked out and pulled away.

One minute things felt good—maybe even great—and the next they were cold, distant, gone. Then, just to twist the knife, you see them on Instagram living their best life.

Sound familiar?

Welcome to the dismissive-avoidant shitshow.

The Kind of Heartbreak That Doesn’t Make Sense

This type of heartbreak hits differently. It’s not just sadness—it’s confusion, self-doubt, rumination, and a deep sense of abandonment. For many people, this kind of emotional whiplash can trigger depression, anxiety, and in extreme cases, serious mental health crises.

You see, your mind is trying to complete the story but it can't because it can't get closure. It's actually easier to get over a death because the brain can at least compute that, but when a person who seems to love you pulls away and then ghosts you, none of it makes any sense.

And here’s the most painful part:

They often don’t even realise what they’re doing.

Avoidant people bury their emotions so deeply that they convince themselves you never really mattered. From the outside, it looks cruel—and honestly, it is—but most of the time it isn’t deliberate. It’s a survival strategy they learned long before you came along.

(Important note: this doesn’t apply if you’re dealing with a narcissist. That’s a different dynamic entirely—and something best unpacked in therapy.)

Why They Go Cold (And Why It’s Not About You)

Dismissive avoidants struggle with intimacy. Real closeness feels unsafe to them. So when a relationship becomes emotionally real, they flee.

Instead of:

• communicating,

• taking accountability,

• or sitting with uncomfortable emotions,

They:

• shut down,

• detach,

• rewrite history,

• and move on fast.

  
  

Often, they jump straight into another relationship—not because they’ve healed, but because they need something (or someone) to plaster over the wound. You see, as well as a fear of closeness, they also fear abandonment. What a total headfuck they're going to have when they finally seek therapy!

But let me be very clear:

NONE OF THIS HAPPENED because you weren’t good enough.

If anything, you were too good.

You were emotionally available. You showed up. You wanted depth, intimacy, consistency, real partnership. That’s exactly what they couldn’t give.

The new partner? Usually someone who doesn’t demand emotional closeness. What they end up with isn’t a real loving relationship—it’s a half-relationship. Roommates. Buddies. Surface-level intimacy. A performance of happiness.

And honestly—imagine how exhausting it must be pretending you’re fulfilled.

The Turning Point: When You Stop Wanting Them Back

Here’s the part no one tells you: there will come a stage where you don’t want them anymore.

But before you get there, you have to ask yourself a hard question:

Why was I drawn to someone who was hot and cold, emotionally unavailable, one foot out the door, and prone to shutting me out or disappearing?

For many of us, the answer lives in childhood.

If love growing up was inconsistent—on and off, unpredictable—you may have developed an anxious attachment style. And then, without realising it, an avoidant partner feels familiar. Chasing love feels normal.

That doesn’t make it healthy.

And once you start doing the deeper work (often in therapy), that illusion falls apart.

Healing Isn’t Fast—But It’s Real

Healing like this doesn’t happen overnight. It’s slow. It’s messy. It hurts.

But it works.

One day, you’ll look back and genuinely wonder how you were ever that attached. Not because the love wasn’t real—it was—but because you’ve outgrown the dynamic.

I remember being consumed by the pain. It was overwhelming, brutal, all-encompassing. If you’re in that place right now, hear this:

There is a way out.

It starts with understanding this truth: Your avoidant ex is more wounded than you are.

You were the one with the open heart. You were the one who showed up. You were willing to fight for the relationship.

They ran. They dismissed. They avoided.

And while it may look like they’re thriving, avoidance always catches up. Life has a way of forcing self-awareness—through loss, mistakes, failed relationships, and consequences they can no longer outrun.

But here’s the key part:

That is no longer your responsibility.

Let Go Without Waiting for Justice

You can’t explain this to them. They won’t listen.

Avoidant people usually only seek help when avoidance stops working for them.

So let go. Let them do whatever it is they need to do to finally see themselves. Let them face the mess they’ve made.

Because by the time they do?

You’ll be gone.

You won’t be a match for unhealed, emotionally unavailable people anymore.

What Love Actually Is

Real love is:

• consistent

• honest

• safe

• emotionally available

• and, surprisingly, easy

  
  

It's NOT chaotic. NOT anxiety-inducing. NOT something you have to chase.

And when you reach this point—when the fog lifts—you’ll be more than fine.

You’ll be free.

TR