Your Ex: The Apology you Deserve (but will never receive)

I wrote to you once before, and I realise now it wasn’t nearly enough. This is the apology I should have given you a long time ago.

My behaviour after I broke your heart—after I panicked, freaked out, and ran from real love—was deeply unfair and, honestly, horrendous.

I see that now.

I’ve finally gone to therapy, and for the first time I truly understand how much damage I caused you, not just by leaving, but by everything I did afterward.

A few months after I left you, I missed you terribly. But I didn’t know how to come back with any emotional honesty or integrity. I was drowning in shame. I was emotionally repressed, disconnected from myself, and I had buried my feelings so deeply that facing them felt impossible.

Instead of being brave, I chose what felt safer—being distant, evasive, and cowardly.

Asking if I could give you a lift to that party, knowing I was only going to stay briefly, was wrong. I should never have put you in that position. And I didn’t stop there did I?

Over the years, I hurt you again and again with empty, meaningless messages—reaching out, hinting at connection, asking to meet, and then failing to follow through with honesty or clarity. That breadcrumbing stretched your heartbreak across a decade, and I am profoundly sorry for that.

I gave you hope and then dashed it again and again. How that must have felt I can only imagine, but I am beginning to feel that sort of pain now I finally face what I have done, to you, my subsequent partners, and to myself.

What I wanted to say—but couldn’t—was the truth: I loved you. And I was terrified of letting you see the real me. I was ashamed of who I was. I didn’t know how to feel my emotions, let alone share them. I wasn’t capable of the vulnerability that real love requires.

I made choices based on fear rather than truth. I married someone I don’t truly love because it felt safe. There was no risk in it. That relationship doesn’t ask of me what you did—it doesn’t ask for real intimacy—so I can stay hidden behind my walls. I can avoid opening up. I can avoid the risk of real love.

Seeing this now feels like a tragedy, and I recognise how deeply unfair it was to everyone involved.

One moment stands out with particular shame: when I came back into your life, kissed you, told you that you were the best kisser, and let you believe I was returning for real—only to run away again.

That was appalling.

I broke your heart twice. I don’t believe I deserve another chance after that, and I’m not writing this to ask for one.

Through therapy, I finally understand why this all happened. I was damaged, unhealed, and emotionally unavailable. That may explain my behaviour, but it does not excuse it. I take full responsibility for the pain I caused you.

You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You showed me what real love looks like—honest, deep, and brave. I was too afraid to meet you there, and I destroyed the very thing that could have changed me.

I don’t even feel worthy of you reading this, but you deserve a real apology. I am truly, deeply sorry for the hurt I caused you. I will carry the regret of my actions with me for the rest of my life, and I accept that as the consequence of my choices.

I hope, above all else, that you have found—or will find—the love, safety, and happiness that I couldn’t give you. Someone with such a profound capacity for love deserves to find it. You were worth, (and still are) a million of me. I hid behind clothes, cars, and an image that only you could see through. I have acted my whole life and for that I am truly ashamed.

With all the remorse I should have shown you a long time ago,

Your Avoidant EX.