The Tragedy for Your Avoidant Ex’s Partner

The Slow Unraveling: What Happens to the Partner of a Dismissive-Avoidant Over Time

Dismissive-avoidant patterns don’t usually explode; they erode.

And the people who love them—whether they’re avoidant themselves or the “doormat” who takes the crumbs—often find themselves quietly fading right along with the relationship.

The Partner Who Accepts the Emotional Distance, the Crumbs of Affection and Void of Intimacy.

This is the person who believes in the potential.

Who waits, patiently, loyally, telling themselves that consistency will eventually earn closeness.

They tolerate scraps of affection.

They adjust themselves smaller and smaller to avoid triggering the avoidant into distance.

They wait years—sometimes decades—for commitment, for marriage, for the moment the avoidant finally “chooses” them.

But over time, their self-worth erodes.

The bond becomes a cycle of hope → disappointment → rationalisation.

Their needs shrink, but the ache of unmet connection grows. The relationship lacks intimacy, there’s no sex, no real connection, just a void where real love should live.

The Marriage That “Finally Happens”

Some avoidants do marry after long resistance.

But the wedding doesn’t switch anything on. In fact, quite the opposite.

The pattern follows them right down the aisle.

One partner feels relieved.

The other feels trapped.

The emotional distance continues.

The affection remains measured.

And before long…

Separate Beds, Separate Worlds

Physical separation becomes a metaphor for the emotional one.

“I’m just tired.”

“I need my space.”

“I sleep better alone.”

Night after night, the divide widens.

What was once a couple becomes two individuals sharing a mortgage.

The Secret the Avoidant Never Says Out Loud

Avoidants do love deeply—often more deeply than they can express.

But when they panic and pull away…

when they deactivate…

when they discard…

It doesn’t always mean they stop loving.

The TRUTH?

They secretly long for the partner they freaked out and ran from. The RIGHT partner that they pushed out of their life.

They think of them in quiet moments, feeling a pang they don’t know how to handle.

Their defense mechanism tells them they’re safer without love—but their heart disagrees.

They just don’t know how to make it right. How to be honest with their roommate partner. How to become accountable, how to face therapy, how to face their shame, how to apologise.

So they default to avoidance. More work more money more dismissing more avoiding. Except this time they’ve shackled themselves to a bed they no longer want to lie in.

The Sham No One Talks About

A relationship without vulnerability isn’t a relationship.

It’s an arrangement.

A performance.

Two people acting out roles while the actual bond starves behind the scenes.

Many avoidant relationships look stable from a distance.

Solid. Mature. Low-drama.

But up close, they can be empty rooms with echoes of what could have been.

Every dynamic with an avoidant is a disaster. The only chance they have is if they face themselves in therapy and finally start being honest with themselves and those around them.

The chances?

Low, minimal, barely perceptible.

But on the rare occasions that they finally break open they do have the chance to put things right. If only they’d take that courageous step.

However! Do not wait for an avoidant to come close! Only they can do it, and as their partner? It’s far more healthy if you walk away.

TR