Is Your Ex Even Aware of Their Unhealed Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style?

Let’s look at the people who pull away when love gets too close, starting with the question:

Are dismissive avoidants (those who freak out and run from real emotional connection) conscious of what they’re doing?

Short answer?

Not really. Not entirely. But not entirely unaware, either.

They live in a grey area—a foggy place between unconscious self-protection and fleeting flashes of awareness they can’t quite bear to face.

And for anyone who’s ever loved one, it can be maddening to watch: the retreat, the coldness, the logic-laced rejection that feels more like a shutdown than a decision.

It’s devastating… (until you understand what’s going on and heal that is).

So what IS really going on?

They’re protecting themselves—without knowing it.

Most dismissive avoidants didn’t choose to be that way. Their attachment style is usually rooted in early childhood, shaped by emotionally distant, absent, neglectful, and / or overly demanding parents. They learned young that closeness can hurt, that needing someone means risking disappointment, engulfment, or even abandonment.

So they adapted.

They became self-sufficient, low-maintenance, independent. Praised, even, for being so “mature” as kids.

But inside? They disconnected from their needs. They numbed themselves to intimacy - and guess what? They carried these wounds directly into their adult relationships - panicking and pushing away anything that resembled real, true, intimate, passionate emotional connection. (I.e LOVE).

I’ve seen this pattern in many people who are, or were, close to me.

And the saying is true:

You don’t see how wounded someone is until you try to love them.

For dismissive avoidant partners, as adults, when someone gets emotionally close—really close—their system sounds the alarm. But instead of recognising it as fear, they experience it like this:

• “I’m not sure about this connection.”

  
  

• “They’re too intense.”

  
  

• “They’re demanding emotional closeness (normal), they’re obviously too confrontational.

  
  

• “I think I just need space.”

  
  

• “Something feels off, I’m freaking out”

And they believe those thoughts. Deeply.

But what’s actually happening is that their nervous system is shutting down to protect them.

So….They run. They dismiss, avoid and rationalise it away, trying to convince themselves that you were the problem. They gaslight you to protect themselves, and busy themselves in as much work, holidays, rebound relationships and alcohol as they can find.

Dismissive avoidants tend to be thinkers, not feelers. They deal in logic. (A heads up to the DA’s out there - LOVE ISN’T logical! 🙄😂).

So instead of facing emotional discomfort, they intellectualise it:

• “I’m just not made for clingy relationships.”

  
  

• “I’m an independent person.”

  
  

• “Most people are just too needy.”

  
  

• “I need someone “nice” who doesn’t trigger me.

  
  

• I need someone “safe” who I don’t feel so much for. A pedestrian relationship with someone I don’t have to get emotionally close to. That way there’s no risk.

It sounds mature. (It’s honestly so stupid of them 🤣). But often, these beliefs are not principles—they’re defences.

They’re strategies learned long ago to avoid the vulnerability that once felt dangerous.

They feel relief when they pull away.

This part is so painful to witness.

When they finally distance themselves—whether by ghosting, sabotaging, or quietly shutting down—they often feel a wave of relief.

And that relief confirms everything they already believed:

“See? I just wasn’t happy in that relationship.”

“See? I really do feel better on my own.”

But that relief is temporary.

What they’re actually escaping isn’t the person—it’s the activation. The intensity. The sense that someone might really see them, want them, need them. And that—deep down—is terrifying.

But they can become aware.

With the right support, a dismissive avoidant can develop awareness. But it doesn’t come easily, and it doesn’t come by accident. It takes:

• Therapy (especially trauma-informed or attachment-based)

  
  

• Willingness to feel uncomfortable

  
  

• The ability to connect past to present (e.g. “I felt suffocated in that relationship because no one ever held space for my emotions as a child.”)

Until then, many dismissive avoidants continue the cycle.

They drift from relationship to relationship, often landing on a safe but unfulfilling one. Always feeling a bit numb, a bit bored, a bit flat.

Wondering why nothing ever quite lights them up. Wondering why they never really land. Oh and slowly realising what they pushed away - REAL love, real connection - YOU. 🙄

So—are they aware?

No, not in the way you might wish they were.

Not in the way that would let them say, “I pushed you away because loving you made me feel too vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of me.”

Not in the way that would let them stop before it’s too late.

But sometimes, they do look back.

Often years later. Sometimes when the marriage is quietly crumbling, the aching dullness of their choice becomes unbearable.

Sometimes in therapy.

Sometimes when they see your name and remember how alive they felt, and how quickly they shut that door and bolted for the hills.

Because it’s not that they didn’t love you. They felt SO MUCH that they didn’t know how to stay.

If you’re someone who’s loved a dismissive avoidant, or you are the one trying to understand yourself more deeply—this isn’t about blame. It’s about truth. And truth, however hard it lands, is the first crack in the armour.

But it’s also the first step towards healing.

TR