Getting over an Avoidant Ex: why they chose safety

When an Avoidant Settles for Someone They Don’t Love as Much as You 💔

Avoidant attachment can make relationships complicated, especially when someone with this attachment style chooses a partner who feels safer rather than someone they deeply love.

If you’ve ever loved an avoidant person and watched them settle for someone else, you may wonder what’s really going on beneath the surface.

Are they happier? Did they ever truly love you? And if they did, why did they choose someone they don’t love as much as they love you?

The truth is, avoidants don’t always choose partners based on deep emotional connection. Instead, they prioritise emotional safety, low-pressure environments, and relationships that don’t trigger their fear of intimacy. But what happens when they settle?

Let’s break it down.

1. Emotional Safety Over Intensity

Avoidants struggle with emotional closeness. While they may crave love, they also fear being overwhelmed by it. If your relationship with them was deep, passionate, and emotionally intense, it may have activated their defenses, causing them to pull away.

When they settle for someone else, it’s often because that person feels easier to be with - AT FIRST! There’s less emotional risk, fewer expectations, and no need for deep vulnerability. This doesn’t necessarily mean they are happier—just that they feel more in control.

2. Resentment or Restlessness Will Set In

While they may initially feel relieved by being in a "simpler" relationship, over time, they may experience:

• Emotional numbness – The lack of deep love means the relationship feels stable but unfulfilling.

  
  

• Regret – If they once had a strong emotional bond with you, they may compare their new partner to you and feel something is missing.

  
  

• Detachment – They may withdraw from their new partner without knowing why, because the relationship lacks a real emotional spark.

  
  

• Frustration - They finally realise what they’ve done, who they’ve hurt and why they’re living day in day out with a partner they don’t truly love in an unfulfilling, unconnected relationship. 🤦‍♂️

  
  

Since avoidants suppress their emotions, it might take a long time for them to recognise that they settled. And even when they do, they will struggle to admit it—either to themselves or to their partner. They will try to dismiss and avoid all of this but it will gnaw at them and grind them down.

3. More Stability, Less Passion

A relationship with an avoidant is often a push-and-pull dynamic. If your relationship with them had highs and lows, they may have sought out something "calmer" with someone else.

The problem? Stability without love is hollow and meaningless.

Their new partner may be “safer” emotionally (ie dull), which allows the avoidant to stay without feeling pressured. However, the trade-off is that the relationship will lack depth, chemistry, passion, and true emotional connection.

This type of relationship can last for a long time—sometimes even a lifetime—because it doesn’t challenge the avoidant to face their emotional fears. But that doesn’t mean it’s fulfilling.

4. Delayed Realisation of What They Lost

Avoidants are experts at suppressing their emotions. When they move on to someone else, they may convince themselves that their new relationship is better simply because it’s less stressful. But over time, small moments may trigger memories of what they had with you:

• A song that reminds them of you

• Seeing someone who looks like you

• Realising they don’t feel the same level of excitement in their new relationship.

  
  

When they finally allow themselves to reflect, they may realise that they did love you more than they admitted. But by then, they may feel stuck in their current relationship or too afraid to reach out. 🙄🤦‍♂️

5. They Double Down on Avoidance

If they do realise they settled, they might not do anything about it. Instead, they may:

• Convince themselves that love is overrated

• Tell themselves that emotional intensity is "toxic"

• Stay in their current relationship because it feels safe, even if it’s unfulfilling.

  
  

Since avoidants fear vulnerability, admitting they settled would mean admitting they made a mistake. And for many, that’s too uncomfortable to face.

So, Did They Love You?

Yes. They adored you. But their fear of deep emotional intimacy likely prevented them from fully embracing it. 💔

If they settled for someone else, it wasn’t because they didn’t love you—it was because they were more comfortable with a relationship that didn’t challenge them emotionally.

Basically - don’t worry for a second that they’re happy without you - their inability to confront their attachment style will cause a slow miserable resentment - and you’re now free to find someone without this push/pull, head-in-the-sand dynamic.

Unless they do the inner work to address their avoidant tendencies, they will likely continue choosing relationships based on safety rather than love.

And that’s not something you can change for them.

Final Thoughts

If you’re struggling with the fact that an avoidant settled for someone else, remember: it’s not about you—it’s about them.

Their choice says more about their emotional capacity than it does about your worth.

You deserve a relationship where love isn’t just safe—it’s deep, reciprocated, and fulfilling.

And that starts with someone who is ready for it.

TR