Red Flags to Look Out for With Avoidant Partners!

When You Mistake Potential for Reality

Looking back, I cannot believe how many red flags I ignored with my avoidant ex. They were there from the very beginning, waving loudly. But I wanted so badly to believe he was capable of real love that I confused his potential with the reality of who he actually was.

That is the particular cruelty of dating someone with an unhealed avoidant attachment style. You often have met someone who could be right, but they are far too emotionally unhealed to hold real love.

So they freak out and run.

They choose partners who ask for very little emotionally, or they slowly train their partner to shrink their needs in order to stay.

What you end up with is a relationship that looks good on paper but feels dead inside. Two people living like roommates. One terrified of closeness, secretly in love their ex, but unable to tolerate intimacy. The other quietly starving, dying a slow emotional death from the lack of connection.

The Illusion at the Start

Avoidant partners are often incredibly charming at first.

They appear put together. Successful. Confident. Calm. Mine was suited and booted, with a good job, money in the bank, and a life that looked completely sorted.

The truth underneath was very different. Underneath was nothing but a frightened child with adult resources.

Charm is not emotional availability. Stability on paper is not emotional safety.

Red Flags I Ignored Early On

When I stayed over for our first weekend together, something felt off.

He was awkward whenever we were in real life situations. Daytime. Conversations. Shared space. Anything outside the safety of night-time under the sheets.

Avoidants can do passionate sex. They can do chemistry. What they struggle with is emotional engagement.

Sex becomes a place to hide. Intimacy becomes something to avoid.

Another early red flag was our first argument. I tried to address something calmly. His response was to accuse me of being confrontational, say we should “can this for the weekend”, and then ghost me.

I remember thinking, this is not okay. And then I ignored my own intuition.

Avoidants cannot tolerate emotional discomfort. Conflict feels like danger to them. So they shut down, disappear, and avoid resolution altogether.

Silence allows them to look calm and composed while subtly framing you as the problem for wanting to talk.

If you ask for discussion or resolution, you are labelled demanding, dramatic, or confrontational.

Emotional Absence in Moments That Matter

There was a moment that should have told me everything.

I was ill, sitting up in bed feeling dreadful. Any emotionally available partner would have asked, “Are you alright?” or “Can I get you anything?”

He said nothing. No concern. No checking in. No care.

Avoidants often struggle to respond to vulnerability. Your need activates their fear. Instead of moving closer, they emotionally disappear.

If someone consistently fails to show up when you are unwell, distressed, or vulnerable, that is not a small thing. That isn't a relationship at all.

The Breakup That Makes No Sense

The breakup came suddenly and without warning. Out of the blue. Right after what felt like an amazing weekend together.

No real conversation. No explanation. No attempt to work through anything. Just gone.

This is classic unhealed avoidance. When emotional closeness increases, fear kicks in. Rather than communicate, they detach and exit. You are left holding all the confusion, trying to make sense of something that was never properly spoken about.

Other Red Flags to Watch For With Avoidant Partners

If you recognise several of these, pay attention.

• Discomfort with emotional conversations or deep topics

  
  

• Shutting down, withdrawing, or disappearing after conflict

  
  

• Accusing you of being “too much” when you express normal needs

  
  

• Inconsistency between words and actions

  
  

• Avoiding future planning or keeping things vague

  
  

• Being warm and connected, then suddenly distant for no clear reason

  
  

• Prioritising work, hobbies, or independence over connection every time

  
  

• Minimising your feelings or changing the subject when you are upset

  
  

• Lack of curiosity about your inner world

  
  

• Breaking up suddenly rather than addressing issues together

The Hard Truth

Avoidants are not bad people. But unhealed avoidants are unsafe partners.

Love is not just chemistry, attraction, or potential. Love is emotional availability, responsiveness, and the ability to stay present when things are uncomfortable.

If someone cannot meet you emotionally, no amount of patience, understanding, or shrinking yourself will turn them into a secure partner.

What I Know Now

I was not asking for too much. I was asking the wrong person.

If you find yourself constantly explaining your needs, justifying your feelings, or accepting less in order to keep the peace, that is not love. That is self-abandonment.

The right relationship does not require you to die quietly inside in order to survive it.

To any avoidantly unhealed people reading this - do us all a favour and go to therapy!!

TR