How to Respond When a Dismissive Avoidant Ex Sends a Breadcrumb Message…

I’m over my dismissive-avoidant ex now - therapy helped rip him off the pedestal and see him for what he really was - an unhealed wounded child with a bank account - but for anyone still in the thick of it — confused by the late-night texts, the random “just thinking of you, how about a lunch” messages, the sudden follow request after months or even years of silence — this is for you.

It took me a long time to understand what was happening. When someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style breaks your heart and then resurfaces with zero emotional integrity, it can feel like you’re being pulled right back into the pain you worked so hard to heal from.

I wish I’d known how to respond. I wish I’d known how to protect myself better. So here’s the message I would send now — the one I wish I’d had the clarity and self-respect to send back then:

“I was surprised to hear from you after all these years. However, if you’re reaching out for casual conversation or to reconnect without acknowledgment of the past, then I can’t do that.

When we were in each other’s lives, your avoidance, breadcrumbing, and emotional distance hurt me deeply — it was the reason you lost me. It took me a long time to recognise the pattern, but I’ve since done the work, healed, and grown from it.

If you’ve done your own work to understand your dismissive-avoidant attachment and the impact it has on those who try to love you, then I might be open to hearing an apology. But if not, I can’t see a reason to revisit something that caused me so much pain.

In all honesty, I’m afraid it’s too late. But I hope you’re doing ok.”

To anyone reading this who’s still waiting for a real apology or a genuine change from someone who kept you at arm’s length — please know this: you don’t owe your past pain a second chance. Healing doesn’t mean going back. Sometimes, it simply means finally knowing how to say no to the same thing twice.

You deserve emotional safety, real connection, and love that shows up fully.

And if no one told you yet — I’m proud of how far you’ve come.

TR