The Dismissive-Avoidant Nightmare: When Love Becomes a Performance

Have you ever dated someone who seemed absolutely together? The kind of person who walks through the world like a polished actor—confident, impressive, well-dressed, successful, unflappable. Someone who appears so controlled and self-possessed that you think, Wow, they really have their life in order.

Except… they don’t. What you’re seeing is a mask.

People with dismissive-avoidant patterns often present like seasoned performers: charming, collected, full of poise. On the outside, everything looks effortless. On the inside, though, there are wounds they haven’t touched, fears they won’t confront, and emotions they refuse to feel.

And when real love enters the picture? That’s when the cracks begin to show and it's more than likely that they'll freak out and start running for the hills (or more accurately sprinting faster than Usain Bolt.)

Why They Run When Things Get Real

The wicked irony here is that the more they love you the faster they run.

A dismissive-avoidant can handle casual dating just fine. They can handle flirtation, passion, surface-level connection. But the moment intimacy deepens—when genuine emotional closeness is required—they withdraw.

Not because the relationship is wrong. Not because you did anything wrong. But because closeness triggers old, unhealed wounds.

So they bolt.

They pull away, shut down, or start acting like you suddenly want “too much.” And ironically, they often end up discarding the person who was right for them, choosing instead what feels safer:

• Another avoidant partner who won’t require intimacy

  
  

• Someone who plays small and never challenges them

  
  

• A “roommate-style” relationship with no passion or depth

It’s not love—it’s emotional distance dressed up as compatibility.

Everyone Loses in the Avoidant Cycle

With dismissive-avoidant dynamics, nobody truly wins.

They miss out on real intimacy. Their partners miss out on reciprocity. The relationship stays half-alive, half-hearted, (and mostly dead)—held together by routine rather than connection.

But once you see the pattern for what it is, the veil lifts. You stop romanticising them. You stop blaming yourself. You stop chasing someone who was never going to meet you in the middle (or anywhere near).

Because the truth is simple:

They were acting. You were loving.

You Were the Teacher—Not the Failure

Many people who date an avoidant partner end up in therapy, learning about attachment, healing themselves, and growing far beyond where the relationship ever allowed them to go.

And that’s something to be proud of.

You were the one who showed up. You were the one willing to love without a mask. You were the one emotionally brave enough to face intimacy head-on.

Whether they ever do their own work is their journey, not yours.

Maybe someday they'll reach a point where they’re ready to unpick those patterns, look honestly at themselves, and build healthy connection. That’s their responsibility—not your burden.

The Real Victory: Your Growth

You walked away wiser, more grounded, and more aware of your worth. You learned what real love requires—and what you will no longer tolerate.

So give yourself credit. You didn’t fail. You evolved.

You are the one capable of real intimacy, real vulnerability, real connection. No masks. No pretence. No performance.

Just you—your true self—showing up wholeheartedly.

And that is everything.

TR