The Avoidant Ex Secretly Envies You

If you’ve ever loved someone avoidant, you know the ache. They pull away just when you’re ready to lean in, they run when things get real, they behave as if intimacy is a trap. But here’s the truth they’ll never say out loud:

The avoidant secretly envies you.

Why?

Because you have what they don’t.

You have the courage to love openly, fully, and without fear. You’re willing to risk your heart for something real. They can’t. They’re terrified of emotional closeness—and closeness is the foundation of true love.

That’s why they run. That’s why they sabotage. That’s why you felt like you were chasing a ghost.

You were in love with an illusion—a version of them they performed for you. On the surface, they seemed strong, composed, maybe even perfect. But behind the mask was fear.

They were scared of you. Scared of the emotional vulnerability required to meet your love. Scared because they felt something real for you, and that terrified them.

So what do avoidants do? They choose “safe” options. Someone they don’t truly love. Someone who won’t challenge them emotionally. Someone who accepts scraps of connection, or who is avoidant too. It’s easier to hide in routine, in work, in distance, than to stand in the rawness of intimacy with you.

And let’s be honest: what can they really offer you? Nothing of substance. Nothing lasting. Certainly not the emotional depth you crave and deserve.

The relationship you thought you had with them wasn’t real. You were in love with their potential, not their reality.

But here’s the powerful flip side: they were in love with the real you. 

Your authenticity, your openness, your willingness to show up for love. That’s what scared them most—and that’s why they lose in the end.

Because now, you see them clearly. You recognise their unhealed wounds. You understand their emotional cowardice. And suddenly, the spell breaks. They completely lose their appeal.

Meanwhile, you heal. You sit with the pain. You face it head-on. Maybe you went to therapy, maybe you journalled, maybe you just cried until you couldn’t anymore—but you didn’t run.

You grew stronger. You learned to validate yourself, to meet your own emotional needs, to trust your own worth.

That’s the gift hidden inside the heartbreak: they forced you to confront yourself, and in doing so, you found yourself.

So if you’re in the aftermath of an avoidant relationship, know this:

• It gets better.

• They actually did you a favour by showing you what you won’t tolerate.

• You’ll see red flags faster next time.

• Their behaviour is not your fault, and it never was.

  
  

You are worth more than breadcrumbs of love. You are worth consistency, safety, intimacy, and joy. You are worth someone who shows up as bravely as you do.

In the end, you won. Not because you got them back, but because you got you back. And that’s the real victory.

TR