Letting go of the Avoidant Ex and healing my attachment wounds - the root to true healing

Letting Go and Finding Freedom

Today, I feel lighter than I have in a long time. I’ve truly begun to heal my attachment style and free myself from the grip of my dismissive avoidant ex. It’s not because I hate or misinterpret him—I’ve simply let go. For so long, I knew I needed to extricate myself from the situation, but I blamed myself for the breakdown of our relationship. I told myself I wasn’t good enough, and the result was nearly fatal.

A Glimpse of Freedom

But yesterday, I rode and felt as I did when I was seventeen—free. I wonder now if it’s time to resurrect my career, though I’m still figuring out the logistics.

I also did things for myself, which I never do.

I had the energy and motivation to go to the garden centre and buy plants. I bought Mum some plants for Mother's Day and I bought myself some hyacinths for my bedroom. I now care about myself enough to perform these small acts of kindness - to myself!

I played to the end of Nocturne in B Flat, I spoke calmly to my sister on the phone, I didn't feel awkward, pathetic, unworthy - small things which represent such massive change.

I trust that as I continue to heal, the path forward will reveal itself. My faith has been restored, and I finally understand why I had to endure so much pain. My body and mind were suffering because I needed to confront myself—to detach, both emotionally and energetically from my ex, and reclaim my strength.

The Power of Self-Reflection

I see now that losing faith was part of my journey. I felt weakened by it, but the truth is, I was negligent of my own suffering and the reasons behind it. My anxious attachment style, formed in childhood, made me run towards love, desperately seeking healing through emotional validation from others.

I see now that my avoidant and I had to come together for a spotlight to be thrown on both of our unhealed attachment styles.

That's why the intensity of our connection felt so incredibly powerful to both of us. He was shocked by the intensity of his emotions and ran from them, and I was shocked by the euphoric feeling of true love and ran towards it. It's a push/pull dynamic which was meant to happen (however painful) in order for us to confront ourselves.

But now things are finally changing - for me - as I step into my own power, my independence, everything is coming back. It’s incredibly hard work—work that dismissive avoidants resist because it’s so painful to confront the self, to peel back the layers and understand why we behave and feel the way we do.

But I’ve reached a point in my healing where I no longer hate or resent my ex; I feel a deep sadness for him. He’s so wounded and doesn’t even realise it. There’s nothing I can do but let him go and pray he confronts his issues, as I am confronting mine.

Surrendering to a Higher Power

I’m handing this over to God, the universe, a higher power. God made me confront my attachment style, and I refused to live the rest of my life with a knife in my heart.

Thy will be done.

I nearly lost my faith and considered leaving the church, but now my belief is stronger than ever. This pain had to happen for me to confront my wounds.

Through therapy, self-reflection, and understanding, we can get there. I’m blessed to have a brilliant friend who’s going through this process too. We’re both deeply emotionally intelligent, and once we understand something, it becomes FAR easier to reconcile.

Understanding and Letting Go

Understanding my ex’s attachment style helps me make sense of his behaviour—he ran because emotional connection terrifies him; he equates it with pain and rejection.

A lack of support and validation in childhood left him unable to understand his own emotional needs. It’s sad that he may never know why his subsequent romantic relationships feel so empty and unfulfilling or why he feels so lost.

But that’s not my responsibility. All I can do is detach, work on myself, and be grateful for the lessons life has given me.

Embracing the Journey

Life is one long lesson, and understanding ourselves is the most important work we can do. We can heal, reclaim ourselves, and step into our strength.

This journey is brutal, but it’s beautiful. I am grateful to be here, to have learned, and to be becoming my most authentic, healed self.

TR