I was going to write a detailed post this morning including some interesting take-out points from the Mental Wealth Mastery Summit from last week but have had to divert to this one instead.
I spend so long preaching to others about what they should be doing to help themselves that I often forget about myself and have realised that this week I'm going to have to prioritise some self-care.
Time out
Since spending hours and hours this year, writing this blog, trying to find a publisher, crafting a spell-binding book proposal, and qualifying as an NLP practitioner (as well as spending hours and hours of my time gratuitously helping others), I had already decided that it was time for a break.
So here I am at a friend's house in the New Forest having a really lovely time, but what happens? I have a terrible first night's sleep and this morning feel like utter ****.
There's now no way I can write a beautiful detailed blog about the Mental Wealth Summit when my brain feels like this - I feel like I went clubbing all night and drank copious amounts of vodka - absolutely disgusting.
This is all highly irritating because I really wanted this break to be restful and to return feeling recharged and raring to go again. I am so so annoyed!!
So, in my usual analytical way, I've decided to go 'deep tissue' and find out why this might be; writing it all down by using the blog as a kind of journal this morning which always seems to help add clarity and confidence... so here goes...
Why did I have a rubbish night's sleep?
I've been sat here in bed this morning mulling this question over and then realised that in fact, I had a rubbish night's sleep on Saturday too.
I was still at home then and was in my own bed, so I'm going to discount the 'I'm in a new environment and my brain can't handle it' theory and attribute it to something else.
So, what's changed since Friday night when I was sleeping my (now usual), block of uninterrupted 6.5 - 7 hours?
Then I realised - the bloody COVID booster jab.... hmmmm.
I really hate putting this crap in my body!
Since suffering the horrendous iatrogenic harm from the failed psychiatric medications (which really was a horror story and very nearly killed me), I am extremely dubious about putting anything medical in my body, and would not be sorry if I never saw another doctor for the rest of my life!
I'm sure this is why people reject the vaccine - they've already had medical complications from interventions which harmed them in a significant way and quite frankly - they're terrified.
And I don't blame them.
This is what those who slag off the 'anti vaxxers' as irresponsible need to try to understand - some have legitimate reasons for their resistance.
Anyway, this is going slightly off piste and I am not an anti vaxxer, nor do I need a huge fall-out over it, I have had all three offered jabs but - it scares the hell out of me because the last drug injected into my blood that was supposed to help me (ketamine), made my condition so much worse that the result was three months locked in a psychiatric ward and subsequently 18 months of suicidal hell.
The result is that I'm highly skeptical when it comes to doctor competence and here I am potentially suffering as a result of another bloody 'treatment'.
What can I do about it?
Right - forget the past - it's happened now so what am I going to do next? Let's write a list to calm Tom down so he doesn't go into meltdown over this...here goes:
I'm not going to stress about it. I am going to go ahead with my plans to enjoy my break and just make the most of it.
I'm going to cut out all potential stimulants and buy decaff tea today (friend did not have decaff so had one cup of normal tea - disaster for bipolar brain).
I'm going to walk more in fresh air today.
I'm going to ground myself and get out of the over-thinking mind.
I'm going to have a bath at my friends house tonight and stick to the routine I do at home.
I am going to have a nap in the day which does often work for me (a kind of 'reset' in which I am teaching the brain to accept sleep again).
I'm going to try to keep the conversation light after 4pm (yesterday we put the world to rights and were discussing my book all afternoon - bipolar brain can't switch off after that) box it earlier and switch it off.
I am going to get into bed early tonight and read The Tenant of Wildfell Hall for an hour before turning out the light.
And if all else fails I will hit myself over the head with a shovel.
I really need to sleep tonight!
Argh the annoyance - breathe, forget it Tom, tonight may be different, no stress, this is not my fault, this is a temporary set back, do all you can, prioritise your mental health above everything as you always do and enjoy your break....
Ok, I do feel slightly better for getting that out. Let's see how this goes!
Thanks for reading,
Speak to you soon,
TR
