Your Ex: How to Spot a Dismissive Avoidant (It’s Easy When You Know How)

For years—years—I thought they were impressive.

Successful. Motivated. Independent. Driven.

Honestly? I was in awe.

Now?

I laugh. Truly.

Deep, healing laughter.

Because once you see it, you cannot unsee it.

The Great Illusion: “I’m Just Very Busy”

Ah yes. The cornerstone of the dismissive avoidant lifestyle: busyness.

They’re not avoiding emotions—They’re working.

They’re not dismissing your feelings—They’re late for a meeting.

They’re not shutting down a difficult conversation—They’re too busy for this right now.

Classic lines include:

• “Some of us actually have to work.”

  
  

• “Can we not do this? I’ve got work tomorrow.”

  
  

• “Let’s can this until after the weekend.”

  
  

Translation:

Please stop asking me to participate emotionally in the relationship I am actively in.

It’s not productivity. It’s emotional dodgeball.

And the kicker? Somehow you become the problem for needing basic human connection.

In other words this is nothing but GASLIGHTING.

The Emotional Support Mix-Up

Another classic sign: you say

“I need support.”

And they reply:

“I don’t know how much more support I could have given.”

You think, Wow, maybe I’m being unfair.

Then you realise they’re talking about:

• Taking out the bins

• Trimming the Wisteria

• Fixing a shelf

• Booking a plumber in 2019

  
  

Lovely. Practical. Useful.

But emotional support? An arm around you when you’re grieving? Sitting with discomfort? Naming feelings?

Absolutely not.

That section of the human manual was bipassed, skipped over, ignored; in other words, dismissed and avoided!

They are not withholding on purpose. They genuinely do not know how to access emotions anymore.

They’ve buried them so deep you couldn't access them with a sledgehammer.

“What Do You Do in an Emotional Crisis?”

This is my favorite diagnostic question.

Ask:

“What do you do when you’re having an emotional crisis?”

Answers you might hear:

• Shrugs “You just carry on.”

• “You get on with it.”

• “Work helps.”

• “Emails distract me.”

  
  

And for a moment you think:

God, they’re strong.

Nope.

That’s not strength. That’s suppression with a promotion on their LinkedIn profile.

No processing. No grieving. No feeling.

Just… busy.

Oh... MY... GOD.

The Deadly Disease of Busyness

They are so entrenched in doing, that being feels threatening.

Silence? Sitting on my own self reflecting? Dangerous. Introspection? Absolutely not.

Therapy? “I don’t have time.” Another classic - 'I'm too busy to be upset', and I'm far too busy to look at myself.

Honestly it's hilarious. (In a sort of tragicomedy kind of way.)

I mean; Of course they don’t go to therapy

Because if they stopped, even briefly, they might have to ask:

• Why did I push away, freak out and run away from the love of my life?

• Why does my partner feel like a roommate?

  
  

• Why does intimacy make me itchy?

  
  

• Why do I feel oddly empty despite “having it all”?

  
  

Much easier to dash back to the office and send another email.

Loving One Is a Slow Emotional Death

This part isn’t funny—but it becomes funny after.

They never meet you. They never come close. They never soften.

You keep hoping they’ll arrive emotionally. But they never do...

Unless they hit rock bottom. Unless they look at their patterns, wounds, and childhood adaptations.

Which—statistically—they won’t.

Because, again: busy.

So What Do You Do?

You let go.

Simple. Not easy—but simple.

And once it’s done? Once the fog lifts?

You’ll laugh.

You’ll wonder how you ever confused emotional absence with independence. Avoidance with ambition. Shutdown with strength.

And when someone tells you:

“You’re just not busy enough.”

You’ll smile.

Because now you know the truth:

Some people aren’t strong. They’re just very, very good at running away.

And honestly?

At this point—it’s kind of hilarious.

#healing