What is my why??!!
So, Edwin Charles is published (well, self-published, you know what I mean), the moment he's been striving for has finally been realised...
So why does he feel totally confused and lost?
Hmmm. Because he is completely different to EVERYONE else on the planet.
No one is going to understand what I'm about to write so I'll start with the LOVELY message (NOT) that I received from an editor in response to me offering to send a free book...
While The Journal is committed to reviewing every collection sent it, I have to say that your sample does not inspire confidence. I personally have an aversion to centre-spaced poems and I wince at inversions required to get rhymes.
Another of the Journal reviewers might approach your collection in a more positive manner. Although I doubt it. And do be aware that as editor I am committed to publishing what the reviewers write unexpurgated.
What people need to understand about Edwin is he loves writing. ABSOLUTELY loves it, BUT he absolutely HATES everything else to do with it except putting down the words.
Oh and as you can see from the above... the people in the industry are NOT nice.... really not good. This is the 'real world' for you, and I've told you before THAT IS WHERE THE SICKNESS IS AND I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
Unfortunately though, if you want to be published these days you have to expose yourself to hatred, spend years sending (mostly unanswered submissions) to agents, re-writing book proposals, synopses, editing manuscript again and again, updating blog, working out how to build a website, creating and posting to social media, the list is absolutely endless...
Unless you are Prince Harry you are going to have to do all this horrendous stuff though... or you will never even get self-published and no one will find your book.
So the marketing is essential, (and you just have to deal with the narcissists and unhappy people who hate you and FORGIVE them because the dirt in the collective is to blame) but when you're self-published there's NO ONE to do any of it for you so you have to immediately start posting, emailing, blogging, trying to get publicity etc, etc, and I HATE this side of it, I absolutely HATE it.
And can I just let my friends know who think I'm making money out of this... I've worked flat out for five years on trying to get published and I am in debt because of it. I have not earned one penny from publishing my book, not even close to reclaiming the publishing costs. Stop asking me how many books I've sold and what car I'm buying!!! People just have NO clue!!!!!!!!!!!
And I must say something else too. I am NOT doing this for money. I couldn't give a toss about money. NO ONE understands me... oh God! Literally... what do I do at this juncture!!
Then I realised something else too... I was on a mental health charity call last night (they are amazing and I love them and they are doing so much important work) BUT I realised I have evolved past everyone... I don't relate to them and they don't relate to me...
It's impossible to explain but basically I am totally different because I've done the overcoming that Nietzsche talks about. I know no one that has the remotest bit of time or understanding to speak to me about this so I feel completely alone.
Even my doctor doesn't understand any of this. I've surpassed all of you, (NOT in an EGO way before you bleat at me and misinterpret me and say I'm arrogant or whatever) but because I have got to the point where I have suffered so much in the past that I would now honestly die for my beliefs.
I would of course go outside and starve in the hedgerows for freedom and salvation! I would of course walk out into solitude and LOVE it! If I didn't see anyone for months on end I would OF COURSE be in raptures and reveling in JOY, I would of course sacrifice my life for a noble cause, I would of course give up love on earth, I would of course sacrifice everything....It happens when you overcome the ego and the self again and again.
You have to go humble and LOWER and LOWER to defeat the ego and then you can just overcome again and again and again. NO one understands and no one can talk to me about it. You're all in reptilian thinking and I'm not anymore... I just don't know what to do!!!!!!
I can do this 'overcoming' because of the suffering and learning I went through. NO ONE understands!!!!
Oh my goodness me... it is impossible to put in words (I tried in the poetry) but the Ubermensch's self worth isn't affected by ANYTHING external to him. If he was in jail, freezing, up a mountain, in a psychiatric ward, (just think of the most horrendous situations) he would STILL be in a good frame of mind because he is able to see that nothing external affects him anymore. It is another plane of thinking and I know NO ONE that remotely understands....
So then I realised. I love writing and I thought I was doing it to help people (I am) but I realised I am doing it for people to understand me.
I don't need everyone... just one person! Either that or I need Nietzsche and Dostoevsky to come back from the grave!!!
Anyone read Nietzsche or Crime and Punishment/ The Idiot and survived near death, seen the cross over in the near-death tube and communicated with the beyond?
No? I thought not. Oh dear.
Apart from that I'm all good.
P.s I have a really important allegory sitting on my laptop which no one has understood. It was written with Friedrich Nietzsche... NEVERMIND!!
Argh the frustration of not having one person on earth that understands is hideous!!!!
Let's end on a positive, I may be getting closer to finding people who can relate to me... - a review from a reader ... (and for the editor above F(*&* you!)
"This one uniquely speaks to our times and where we are today. In reading it I remember who I am and I'm letting myself move forward. I don’t feel alone in it. There is energy, wit, such insight and attitude (all of which I demand in my art). Read « Poisoned Pills. » This one is my own favourite. .It just rocks. The End."
THANK YOU Julia Hopper whoever you are! X
Anyone else that wants to read it you can do so here! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Poems-Awakening-Through-Hardships-Stars/dp/1739321200