Thoughts and frustrations...

For some reason I'm feeling like blogging my thoughts at the moment and I'm not sure why.

I spend so much time writing and trying to work things out in my head that usually I don't then feel the need to then blog about them too but today I just want to let rip on here.

I'm totally frustrated. I know so much about bipolar disorder and the causes and how to get better but no one listens to me...

I've written half a million words about it in a manuscript and blog and (although I know I've helped lots of people) I still don't feel like I've really got anywhere.

I've thought about it long and hard and I believe bipolar is created by sugar, nicotine and caffeine in the early stages. That's what starts the slow ups and downs before it morphs into massive swings.

Bipolar types are especially gregarious so they are the exact types that are going to experiment with other stuff (alcohol, recreational drugs etc) which then causes the huge swings. Then the patient is medicated with mood altering drugs (antidepressants, antipsychotics, blah blah blah) and then they are trapped in a never-ending cycle of ups and downs and side effects for life.

The only way to get off the rollercoaster is to get off all of this stuff. You can never drink again, you can never smoke, you can never have caffeine, you can never take any suppressant or stimulant ever again including mind altering proscribed and prescribed drugs.

When I dare to utter this to the psychiatrists they tell me I'm mad. They just gaslight me. Well F off quite frankly. I have personal experience of this 'disorder' and I know that by getting off all this crap I am fully well.

Other frustrations...

I have worked tirelessly to reclaim some sort of career through my writing since I got better and I'm still nowhere...

I am reading 'Well Done Me' by Cordelia Feldman who died of breast cancer and bipolar at 42 and had a fricking useless boyfriend who dumped her in the thick of her suffering which pisses me off.

I can't be bothered to edit another mass of poems for them to be rejected or not read by a publishing house..

I am fed up with this whole limerence thing and not being able to move past it...

Frustrating.

I had also got quite swept up in what I now call 'magical thinking' but I'm now a bit confused because I think what magical thinking gave me was HOPE and without hope then what do we have???

Magical thinking is just a form of religion that people use to get through their lives and what's wrong with that? Even if they are deluding themselves. God is the same thing. Knowing that someone loves me when no one else does... if if works then why the hell not.

Not sure I believe in magical thinking or God at the moment... hence the frustration.

Normally I would spend hours editing a blog and thinking it out carefully but I just needed to brain dump this blog so won't be reading it back or sharing it on social media to try to get readers.

I feel instantly better for thrashing that out at the speed of light. Positives - my touch typing is incredible and gets better by the second, and there is proof that writing is healing. I must not forget this...

I feel better!

TR