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  • Writer's pictureTom Robinson

Revisiting past trauma: cathartic? Or avoidable & unnecessary torment?!

Updated: Jan 28, 2022

I haven't written much this week as I've been devoting my efforts towards other things such as: NLP study, French, writing other articles, and crafting an irresistible book proposal (ongoing), but all of this combined, has brought with it some more drama which I will now explain this morning!

Revisiting past trauma

I'm working closely with an amazingly supportive and perceptive writer/editor at the moment as we try to create a document which really captures the true horror, significance, relevance, and sheer importance of this story.

If this doesn't capture the interest of a publisher then nothing will, but I have been asked to revisit and recount several of the most horrific moments in my horrendous double-decade bipolar nightmare and the result is that it's made me ill!

Before anyone panics - my mood is absolutely fine!

It is my body that's rejecting these recollections, not my mind (although I do appreciate that the two are inextricably linked and here's the evidence)!

After spending days adding brutal sentences into the proposal, a small rash which appeared over the weekend, turned very angry and itchy & spread down my side, and it transpires that I have contracted shingles!

My body is literally rejecting the past - an obvious signal for the need to step back!

Stress related symptoms?

For those that don't know, shingles is caused by the same virus as chickenpox which you can get later in life (even if you've had chickenpox as a child as I did).

It is thought to be triggered by stress which I'm surprised by, because I've been doing the best I have in years recently and don't feel stressed in the least! The only thing that's changed is my proximity to the brutal subject matter in the book proposal which is now the obvious cause!

I'm slightly annoyed that I'm having to go through this much effort and suffering to get this important story noticed, but then at the same time I'm so determined to help others that I will continue to rise above it and march on regardless.

In the grand scheme of things this is a very minor setback!

Doctors and the self-fulfilling prophecy

Since suffering at the hands of what the NHS termed a 'severe & treatment resistant illness' (and then getting fully better privately) I have spent most of my whole adult life, repeatedly talking to doctors.

I'm sure there's some very nice ones, but honestly, after what I've had to endure I can safely say that I would not be sorry if I never met or saw one ever again!!

So it was actually with resistance that I ended up calling one yesterday because I do believe that going to the medical profession can end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy:

"I'm sick here I go to a doctor again, here is confirmation of the fact that I am ill..." blah, blah ...

Anyway, I looked for the advice on what to do for shingles (with Covid changing the protocol etc) and it said to go to the pharmacist, which is what I did, who then told me to do an 'e-consult' which (after painstakingly taking photos and uploading details) told me it couldn't help me and I needed to make an appointment instead!

Then I rang the surgery who were closed for a lunch break (!) finally got through to someone and eventually got my message to a doctor who rang me yesterday evening. I thought:

'Ok it's taken quite an effort but I'm finally getting there...'

...went to the surgery to pick up antiviral prescription and they didn't have enough of the drug to finish the full course!

So I will now have to go back to get the rest of the prescription when it comes in. But why doesn't a surgery which serves thousands of people have enough meds for one person with shingles?

If this is what happens for a routine case of shingles then what do you think happens for a complicated bipolar disorder?

I can tell you - you will go round and round in circles for years, getting nowhere at all, being chopped and changed between psychiatrists, suffering cancelled appointments, failures, medical mistakes, errors, miscommunications, uncommunicated messages, sitting on crowded waiting room floors, suffering side effects and withdrawal problems, etc, etc, etc, etc...

The moral of the story?

Go private for anything that requires specialist treatment! And if you can't afford it? Don't worry because I will fight for as long as I still have air in my lungs for others to get the kind of treatment I had in the end which will actually get you better and give you your life back rather than worsening your condition and leaving you utterly disappointed!

To medicate or not to medicate - that is the question!

After suffering the nightmare side effects of the psychiatric drugs for so long (including the ketamine infusions fiasco that very nearly killed me) I am extremely dubious about ingesting anything medically created at all.

I know lots of people in exactly the same position too which is why it's not ok to slag people off who reject the vaccine. [Admittedly this is a very contentious area and not one I'm prepared to go into when I have shingles but I do believe in free will and the right to live your life in your own way].

However, I do also believe in doing things for the 'greater good' which is why I did have both vaccines and am now also taking this antiviral medication for shingles.

We live in a physical body. It is all very well saying:

'I live by the law of attraction, if I think good thoughts I can only attract good things'

...but what people don't realise is that 'The Secret' (a world famous spiritual self-help book) isn't the complete story - far from it!

This is going somewhere I'm not really ready to go, and am certainly not going to start discussing this quandary when the whole point of today's post was to announce that I'm taking time off to get better from shingles!

So I am now signing off.

There are a few interesting posts coming in the near future but first I need to rest, recharge, and prioritise some serious R&R!

Thanks for reading,

Speak to you soon,


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