I've now gone so far past Dying to Stay Alive and separated from the 'tribal wave' of (basically indoctrination and indulging in the ego through prioritising material needs to satisfy it in order to make oneself feel 'better' more 'successful' etc, etc than the next person), and I am now studying philosophy.
In brief, I prioritise truth over power. My truth, not anyone else's.
Unfortunately, all this seems to do is to make me even less understood and more isolated than ever.
Today I was accused of 'self-indulgence' and 'overthinking' and it made me cry because I just feel so utterly misunderstood, but paradoxically, at the same time, I'm the happiest I've ever been because I UNDERSTAND MYSELF better than ever!
This is such an oxymoron that it's impossible to explain. But in defense of my 'overthinking' I would like to quote Socrates who said that:
"The unexamined life is not worth living"
Anyway, after much thought I realise that it is hopeless trying to explain this without at least some people misinterpreting me and thinking I'm arrogant or egocentric - which is the opposite of who I am because I am incredibly grateful for all I have (and all I ever have had) so I do not need people trying to guilt trip me into appreciating my life!!!
So, it is in fact impossible to explain, but in a nutshell, it is my philosopher friend who said it best (who was also incarcerated with me on VT ward in Oxford and has also been pounded to the floor and injected with drugs that do not serve us and locked in seclusion multiple times) - is it any wonder we're distrusting of other people if indeed we are so? Is it any wonder that we want to separate from the 'tribal wave'? Try to think about that!
Anyway, I was with him recently and he has nothing of his own but doesn't ask for much either. He had run out of tobacco so I bought him some (I thought about giving him a lecture about how his ego wants it and the difference between a want and a need and that if he connected with his higher self like I have then he could quit) but I restrained myself because that would have been my ego talking.
But then he proceeded to chain smoke roll-ups one after the other and I was hoping that the expensive baccy I had just bought would last him a week. When I suggested he smoke less he simply said -
"Tom JUST LET ME BE!"
Which isn't really an unreasonable request is it?
As French philosopher Montaigne says, the problem is that since we have a mind and since we believe (through indoctrination) that there is a certain way to behave in order to conform, 'fit it' etc, then if we don't do that others feel they can criticise or tell us what we should be doing. If they misunderstand, they will say that you are self-indulgent and to 'stop being confrontational' or whatever their supercilious opinion says...
This kind of mental battery is harmful.
We have no right to have an opinion on how anyone lives their life.
I do not presume to tell people how to live their lives, so I do not expect people to tell me how to live mine.
Every motivation behind any behaviour is that person trying to make themselves feel better. Why would it ever be anything else?!
We have to assume that everyone is trying their best with whatever situation they are given. Stop judging others!!!!
All I ever ask is that I should be allowed to be ME.
Accept me without any terms or conditions! (This is what Rogers called 'conditions of worth').
Anyway, because I feel like my pal and his right to smoke himself to death if he wants to, I'll stand my ground on wanting to live my life simply, and I ask for nothing else. This is why I enjoy spending so much time alone!!!
I think this all speaks volumes, doesn't it?
The takeout point is that in fact it is pointless trying to get people to understand, and that you must accept the solitude unless you want to feel even more misunderstood by those who subscribe to the 'tribal wave' and perceive you as a failure or an asshole for disappointing your parents and not owning a bank and earning millions of pounds.
You can in reality say nothing without someone taking you the wrong way, so it is best to be Tao about it, to know what you know, to understand that it is ok to think differently to others and to embrace your fringe-dwelling existence.
It is much harder to push the wheel in the opposite direction to everyone else but if you feel like I do then it is the only route to true happiness.
What people need to understand is that as Socrates said:
"Just because the majority think it so, doesn't mean that it is"
I realise that this will make zero sense to anyone else but me, but I didn't write it for anyone else's benefit, only my own. And no that is not my ego talking!
Now back to the only place I feel sane - inside my own head. ALONE!
JUST LET ME BE.
It is all I ask!