How to let go and free yourself from a Dismissive Avoidant ex

Letting go of an avoidant ex is one of the most confusing, painful things you can go through—because it wasn't all bad. There were moments that felt deeply intimate, moments where you swore they finally saw you, finally wanted the same thing. And then, without warning, they’d pull away.

Then - they'd breadcrumb you months later with a meaningless message to see if you are still there...

And then pull away.

Again.

Then breadcrumb you again. Then pull away, again. And again.

This is the cycle I got myself entrenched in for years - it has been the cause of so much deep seated anxiety and pain - an emotional pain which was contributing to pretty much all of my 'disorder'.

For so long I knew that this person had wounded me and I wanted to hate him for the damage he'd caused. And yet, somehow, even after all the push-pull, the shutdowns, the silent treatments, the "He's just not ready" self-dialogue—I still couldn't stop thinking about him.

It's as if the anxious part of me was still wondering if maybe, just maybe, if I had shown up differently… he would’ve stayed.

But here's the truth: it’s not about what you did or didn’t do. Avoidant partners fear emotional intimacy not because of you, but because of their own unresolved fears of closeness and vulnerability.

What feels like rejection is often their way of coping with discomfort. They crave connection but feel overwhelmed by it—so they disconnect to feel safe. And it hurts, because you were emotionally available, willing to show up, to go deep—and they kept skimming the surface.

What makes letting go so hard is that intermittent reinforcement—the hot and cold, the breadcrumbs. Your nervous system got hooked on unpredictability. Your mind got stuck in the loop:

"If I just do this differently, maybe I can get back to the good moments." But those good moments were always fleeting, weren’t they?

Eventually, something shifts. It’s not overnight, but one day you stop romanticising their potential.

You start seeing that you were fighting to stay connected to someone who was constantly pulling away. You realise you were trying to earn love instead of receiving it freely. That realisation can be brutal—but it’s also the beginning of freedom.

You begin to look at the relationship with clearer eyes. You see the patterns. You stop blaming yourself.

You stop chasing someone who couldn't meet you where you were. And instead of begging to be chosen, you choose yourself.

Letting go of the avoidant isn’t just about releasing them. It’s about releasing the belief that love has to be hard. That love means proving your worth. That love looks like waiting for someone to finally see you.

You start to heal the part of you that thought you had to settle for less. You begin to believe that consistency, emotional safety, and mutual effort are not just possible—but non-negotiable.

And slowly, the grip loosens. You breathe deeper. You come home to yourself. You identify an anxious need for love coming from you. You realise that the only thing that matters is working on yourself - understanding why this anxious attachment has formed in yourself so that you can rid yourself of any self-blame.

In doing this work we are calming our nervous systems. The heart no longer rages in pain, the mind isn't consumed with 'what if's' or 'why's', a cool clarity washes in and the self reproach fades away.

Doing this work is the key to freeing ourselves from this specific person who got under our skin, who we loved so deeply, but who wasn't ready or willing to confront their own emotions.

It is the beginning of a new journey, one in which we will attract secure people into our lives because we are more secure in ourselves.

TR