Dismissive Avoidants: The Best Actors, The Worst Kind of Hurt

I have finally begun to deal with the root cause of my "disorder" — and for the first time, I think I’m making some real headway.

The truth is, a romantic partner was the source of tremendous heartbreak and confusion.

He left me in a hopeless state of hope and disengagement — constantly tossed between the highs of possibility and the lows of despair. I now understand he was (and still is) a dismissive avoidant, and with that knowledge, so much of his behavior finally makes sense.

And for me? If I can understand something, I can heal from it. But for seventeen years, I couldn’t. Because for a decade after our breakup, he sporadically reached out — not with anything meaningful, but with hollow invitations like, “meet for lunch,” “give me a lift over the river,” or even “write a plea to help me beat a drink-driving charge.” (Honestly, writing that last bit just confirms it — what an absolute cock.)

He also did strange things to make himself look like the 'gentleman' - visiting me in hospital when I punctured my lungs, sending me happy birthday messages - oh and a 'dinner at the flat' which I will regret till the day I die...

There was absolutely no consideration for MY feelings in any of his actions - only his. By reaching out to me and sporadically feeding me breadcrumbs he was checking in to see if I was still an option - all to satisfy his own ego and salve his own pain - but his behaviour left me in a whole world of limbo and pain. Now that I see this I realise how emotionally detached and (quite frankly) DUMB my avoidant ex really is.

Still, I stupidly loved this man so deeply that he became embedded in my psyche, causing a world of destruction. There were pills that poisoned me and landed me in hospital, failures, losses, devastation — all while he carried on, emotionally suppressed, floating through life untouched.

But no more.

I'm doing the healing work now — with a therapist, no less. (The irony being, of course, that he’s the one who actually needs therapy. But never mind.)

Dismissive Avoidants: The Best Actors, The Worst Kind of Hurt

Let’s be honest: dismissive avoidants can feel like the most dangerous kind of people to open your heart to. Not because they’re inherently evil — but because they perform intimacy so well while being emotionally unavailable underneath it all. And that combination? It’s lethal to anyone who loves deeply.

They present themselves as confident, independent, and put-together. They might even love bomb you a little — just enough to make you feel safe, chosen, and seen. They don’t seem guarded at first; they seem mysterious. Intriguing. Safe in their certainty.

But it’s all surface-level.

The moment closeness begins to deepen, their instinct is to run. Not always physically — though many do disappear. But emotionally? They shut down. They detach. They rationalise, deflect, blame.

Suddenly, you're "too much." You're "too needy," you're "confrontational". Or worse — they’ll rewrite history and claim there was never really anything between you at all.

And there you are, standing in the wreckage, wondering what the hell just happened.

They leave a trail of emotional devastation. Because their exit doesn’t come with closure — it comes with silence. Indifference. They’re already gone, checked out, self-protecting behind a wall so thick you couldn’t get through with a sledgehammer.

And that wall? It’s not just to keep you out — it’s to keep them from facing their own pain. Their own fear. Their own inability to give or receive real love. They’ve mastered emotional distance and call it strength. But it’s not strength — it’s fear in a costume.

So what do you do if you’ve been hurt by one?

Stop chasing clarity from someone who can’t give it. You will never get a satisfying answer from someone who doesn’t understand (or care to face) their emotional impact. Let that be the closure. BLOCK them. You never need this person in your life again.

Grieve what you thought you had. Because often, we fall in love with the version of them they pretended to be. You’re mourning the idea of connection — not a reality that was ever sustainable.

Validate your own experience. You are not “too much” for wanting connection, intimacy, or consistency. You are human. They simply weren’t capable of giving what you needed — and that’s about them, not you.

Reclaim your power. The way they exited may have felt like rejection, but don’t let it define your worth. They didn’t see you — because they don’t even see themselves clearly. You are still worthy of real, secure love.

Learn the patterns. Dismissive avoidants often repeat the same cycle. Once you recognise the red flags (emotional distancing, inconsistency, discomfort with vulnerability), you’ll be less likely to attach your heart to the next masked performer.

Healing after someone like this can feel maddening. Because they leave like it never mattered.

But you know it did. And just because they couldn’t hold the connection doesn’t mean your love was wasted.

Some people will only ever know how to run. They either do that or they find someone with such low self-respect that they'll stay, happy to accept the breadcrumbs of emotional intimacy which a dismissive avoidant provides - that's not you! You deserve far better - You’re learning how to stay. With yourself.

With your heart.

With the love you truly deserve.