At a crossroads and no idea how to proceed: WTF do I do now?
This is probably going to be a rambling mess this morning but I have to try to write it down for my own sanity and to see if things become more clear as I do.
In brief, I have reached another crossroads in this mission to get my self-help/memoir published as well as help a tonne of other people to survive the HELL that I have.
The challenge in all of this is that I REALLY want to help others but I HAVE to stay well at the same time.
The priority has to be to stay well.
I CANNOT ever be ill again.
I just wouldn't be able to go through that amount of suffering again.
I've told God; I cannot do it.
There is no possibility.
In fact, I WILL NOT do it.
I would honestly rather die than go through any more suffering like that.
So, since I feel so strongly about that, there seems to be an obvious answer to my quandary.
I've been asking myself repeatedly:
Is it worth putting myself through so much hell with revisiting the past through recording very difficult and upsetting videos, talking to people in suicidal hell, and being taken back to a place that I never want to revisit, as well as pouring my soul into social media which if I wasn't trying to get a book published, there is no way in hell I'd be on?
And I'm afraid the answer to this question is no.
So, I'm completely stuck.
I know that social media and all that goes with it, isn't something I want to be a part of, but how the hell does my book get published and reach people without it?
The only way would be to have some support with it all in the form of a social media manager, a PR manager, a literary agent (better still a non-literary agent), a publisher - all of whom get how fu&^ing hard all of this is for me.
But I have no one!
I've done everything from surviving hell, to writing it down, to blogging, to PR, to editing my own writing, to rewriting, to query letters, synopses, book proposals, to recording videos, to learning how to do web design, to talking people down from high-rise buildings!
I cannot do this alone any more!!!!!
If I'm to do this then I need the support that allows me to just write the important information down for people and manage my health and the blog.
God, or the universe, or whatever superpower is out there, needs to show me something now.
I cannot do this to myself and am going to prioritse my health by completely stepping away from all of it for the rest of the week.
If the book never gets published then so be it.
Whatever universe! Just let me live!
I need peace!
My sleep has also been massively compromised as a result of raking up too much trauma through the pain of revisiting the most painful things from my past and I must prioritise my own health now.
I need peace and quiet. I am craving solitude (not in a depressed way but in an 'I need to connect with myself and the beyond way) - only those awakened souls would understand this!
Right, the decision is made - leave profiles up for now. do not bother engaging with any of it for at least three days, prioritise rest and sleep, forget the whole project - if it really is important then it will surely happen.
I think the tipping point has been the fact that I've been let down at the 11th hour again by a publisher/editor who I really thought was going to help me (or at least point me to someone who could), PLUS the fact that I know I cannot do any more than I already have and stay well at the same time.
20 years of illness, 5 years of writing it down, 2 years of query letters, synopses, book proposals, zoom calls and begging emails have finally caught up with me!
I need a fricking break!
Bye for now!