Your Ex: How to NEVER fall for a Dismissive Avoidant again!

So… you made it out.

Out of the situationship-that-pretended-to-be-a-relationship. Out of the emotional escape room where the clues were “mixed signals”, breadcrumb messages, and the prize was confusion and heartbreak.

You know the one. The person you were convinced was the one. Firework chemistry. Belly laughs. The kind of connection that had you mentally planning your forever after date three.

And then—plot twist—they freaked out, ran away, ghosted and turned out to be… let’s call it what it is: completely useless at relationships.

Not evil. Not even necessarily bad. Just…

• incapable of closeness

• allergic to emotional intimacy

• triggered by the basic requirements of being in a relationship

  
  

A walking contradiction: wants love, freaks out and panics when it appears.

The Realisation Phase (aka: “Oh. It Was Never Going to Work.”)

At some point, the fog lifts.

You realise they’ve chosen someone else—but not in the way that stings anymore. Because you get it now.

They didn’t choose “better.” They chose easier. They chose the low-stakes, 'nice', predictable, controllable partner.

Lower stakes. Less vulnerability. No need to be real.

What they have now? It might look nice on Instagram. Ticks boxes. Very “good on paper.”

But you can see it for what it is: curated, controlled… and completely empty.

And the best part? You don’t even care anymore.

Because you did the work. The uncomfortable, unglamorous, “why did this HURT SO MUCH?” kind of work.

So now the question becomes…

Now What?

Now… you date again.

But this time? With discernment.

Not vibes. Not potential. Not “but we have such good banter!!!”

Discernment.

And you're not rushing in like they did. You're not just finding someone that will do in order to sidestep any of the processing like they did! No overlap, no residual feelings for someone else.

Clean slate.

Ready. Healed. Whole.

The One Question That Will Save You Months (If Not Years)

You’re on a date. It’s going well. They’re charming. You’re laughing.

And then, casually—as if you just thought of it—you ask:

“What do you think a healthy relationship looks like?”

Now listen carefully. This is where people tell on themselves.

🚩 If they say:

“It should be easy. No drama. Just effortless.”

Congratulations, you’ve found another dismissive avoidant.

Because to them, “easy” means:

• no emotional depth

• no accountability

• no actual intimacy

  
  

In other words… no real relationship.

✅ What you want to hear:

“A partnership. Someone to be close to. Sharing life. Intimacy. Connection. Real love.”

Someone who understands that a relationship isn’t always easy—but it’s worth it.

The Second Question (Optional, But Highly Recommended)

“What did you learn from your last relationship?”

Now this one? This is where things get very obvious.

🚩 Dismissive avoidant answer:

“They were too needy. Too much. Too difficult.”

Translation: “I learned absolutely nothing and have done zero self-reflection.”

They’ve sidestepped the inner work like it’s optional. Growth? Never heard of it.

✅ Emotionally available human answer:

“I realised I needed to work on myself. I learned a lot. It made me grow.”

It doesn’t have to be poetic. Just… accountable. Reflective. Real.

Because anyone who has genuinely loved—and lost—has learned something.

Bonus Red Flags (Because They Travel in Packs)

Let’s not forget the classics:

• Love bombing straight out the gate 🚩

  (If it feels like a rom-com montage on day four, run.)

  
  

• Too charming, too polished, too “on” 🚩

  (You’re not dating an actor. You did that last time.)

  
  

• Bragging and performative behaviour 🚩

  (You want depth, not a highlight reel.)

The Nervous System Test (Underrated, But Elite)

This one’s important.

Pay attention to your body.

• Do you feel calm around them?

• Or do you feel that familiar spike—anxiety, butterflies, slight chaos?

  
  

Because let’s be honest…That “butterfly” feeling you used to chase?

Yeah. That might not be love. That might be your nervous system recognising a familiar pattern of emotional unavailability.

In other words: another dismissive avoidant in a different outfit.

Final Thoughts (a.k.a. Your New Dating Standard)

You’re not just looking for chemistry anymore.

You’re looking for:

• emotional availability

• self-awareness

• someone who can actually stay

  
  

Because fireworks are cute. But you know what’s better?

Consistency. Safety. Real love.

And the next time someone shows you they’re incapable of that?

You won’t try to fix it. You won’t try to earn it.

You’ll just…opt out.

TR