What Happens When Your Avoidant EX Gets Married? (No, I’m Not Sugar-Coating This)

Let’s be honest for a second.

Your dismissive avoidant ex didn’t suddenly wake up one day and become emotionally available because they got married.

And no — I’m not buying the fairy-tale version where they finally “chose love.”

If you’ve loved someone who was deeply dismissive avoidant, you already know: their world is built around emotional risk management. Vulnerability feels dangerous. Deep attachment feels like loss of control. Real intimacy feels like standing in front of a firing squad...

So what do they do?

They choose the safest option available.

Not the person who cracks them open emotionally. Not the person who they have amazing sex with. Not the person who sees through them. Not the person who demands growth.

They choose the person who feels… manageable. Nice, Stable. Predictable. Low emotional demand. Someone who allows them to stay exactly as they are — emotionally distant, self-contained, one foot permanently near the exit.

Sometimes that means walking away from the person they actually felt the most for — the one who triggered real vulnerability. Because real vulnerability means real risk. And risk is terrifying when you’re wired to believe closeness equals danger.

So What Happens When They Get Married?

Here’s the part people don’t talk about.

Marriage carries an unspoken expectation: permanence + intimacy.

And permanence is deeply uncomfortable for someone who survives by keeping escape routes open.

So, after the wedding, something shifts internally for them.

The fears don’t disappear. The wounds don’t heal magically. If anything, they get louder.

Because now there’s pressure:

• To be emotionally present

• To build deeper intimacy

• To merge lives more fully

• To stay

And if they haven’t done the emotional work?

They withdraw.

Then withdraw more.

Then more.

Not always dramatically. Sometimes quietly. Slowly. Almost invisibly. But they do, because they simply cannot hold real love.

What Happens to the Partner?

At first, the partner feels: Relieved. Chosen. Secure. Happy.

But over time, many start shrinking themselves to keep the peace:

• Asking for less

• Feeling less

• Needing less

• Expecting less

  
  

And you can only do that for so long before something inside you goes numb… or breaks.

From the outside, everything can look perfect: House. Mortgage. Maybe kids. Holidays. Photos. Stability.

But inside the relationship? It becomes two people running a life together rather than sharing one.

And You?

Here’s the part nobody tells you when your heart is shattered by someone like this:

One day, you stop caring.

Not in a bitter way. Not in an “I hope they suffer” way. Just… detached. Free. Done.

You sat in the fire. You asked the hard questions. You did the work. You faced the parts of yourself that hurt.

And you survived.

And sometimes — once you’re far enough away — you can see the whole situation differently. Almost darkly funny. The person who ran from real emotional depth is now living inside a life that requires it every single day.

And if they never change?

They can end up trapped inside a life they built to feel safe… but not alive.

The Truth No One Likes

Avoidance works — until it doesn’t.

You can outrun vulnerability for years. You can build a whole life around emotional distance. You can curate safety.

But eventually, life corners everyone.

And when it does, you either grow…

Or you feel the walls closing in. And guess what? You as the one they discarded, you - the one they really love? You become the ghost that haunts them for the rest of their lives!

Get to therapy dismissive avoidants!

TR