Note to anyone else who makes it through severe bipolar; no one will be able to relate to you after!
I am back home after an amazing week's skiing during which several things came to light - some good, some bad, which I will now try to explain!
The good news is that I am fully well and I enjoyed every minute of my holiday.
The bad news is that I made a couple of discoveries while away which made me cry...
This whole process is way harder than even I understood and (just in case anyone else gets to this point in recovery and/or is ever interested), I am going to write it down so that it's documented for future reference!
[By the way - should I die people - there is a TONNE of information on this blog and a manuscript sitting on my laptop. Will someone make sure it's published posthumously if I don't make it long enough to find an agent/publisher!]
Recovery is ongoing but the final part will be to leave it behind for good!
Ok, here's the bombshell...
Basically, I cried on the last night of the holiday for several reasons which I will now try to decipher:
1. Grieving for a life lost
Firstly, I cried because I was so happy and authentic on the holiday that it made me realise how much of my life I have lost.
Although there were gaps in my illness to start with (where I would be able to ((sort of)) salvage a bit of my life), since the ketamine FIASCO in 2017 there hasn't been ANY breaks in mixed state or depression AT ALL and it isn't until this last year that I've had any confidence in my mood whatsoever.
In short - the profession worsened my illness immesurably and I have no clue how I survived it.
That makes me very sad.
I have had to do a tonne of forgiveness and reconciliation ... AND almost more importantly -
I have been grieving my lost life.
2. No one can relate to me
I don't know anyone who has recovered from severe mental illness and terrible doctor-driven harm.
Therefore, I know no one who can truly relate to what I've been through.
There are my 'peers' from my mental illness days, who are still trapped on brain disabling drugs and going round the revolving door of the psychiatric hospital, and then there's my friends from before the illness.
Neither can relate and that makes me very sad.
For future reference - when you get to this point it is totally isolating - not in a wholly horrendous way because an awakening is an incredible thing - but no one will be able to relate to you anymore which is slightly weird and makes you feel embarrassed to be human (I can't go into that it will take too long)!
I don't actually know that I can explain any of this in words...
Anyway, what happened was that I was trying to explain something along these lines to my friends on the last night of the holiday and they were sort of talking over me, so I burst into tears.
I'm just so fed up of having all of this information inside me and not being listened to...
I have a 2 books and a tonne of info for others, yet no publisher, agent, PR or help to get it out there...
I just feel so frustrated and it's made me quite upset.
3. Profound realisation
Anyway, I now realise that I need to move on with my life.
I cannot wait around any longer.
Having lost two decades of my life, I cannot now spend years trying to convince people that this is important!
So although I will continue to write sporadically, I am seriously contemplating folding this venture down and moving on.
I need to close the door on mental illness for good and I am ready to do so.
(This was the final part that made me cry).
I am ready to move on but I am leaving everyone else behind.
There are the friends that I've lost to suicide, the ones trapped in the system, the ones in the future who could benefit from this story and all the knowledge I have, the supporters, the profession and the doctors,,,,
But I need to move on....
I have written enough down between the book and blog that I have done my job for other people.
It is down to this editor/publisher now who told me she was going to help me...if it happens - good. If not then I won't reproach myself because I tried everything.
I need to live now.
I need to grow past the trauma.
I need to be alone.
How weird that for so long I was trapped in my illness completely isolated from everyone and now that I am better I do not relate to anyone and now I am isolated all over again!
But it is ok.
I am perfectly happy.
I am craving solitude.
I cannot explain this bit of the process any better than that!
Sorry if that makes no sense but I had to at least try to document it!
There is so much to explain that only myself and my maker could ever understand.
If I'm somehow guided into sharing it I will. Otherwise I will be being Jean de Florette in the South of France!
Thanks for reading,
Speak to you anon,